“Why, thou deboshed fish, thou!”
The Tempest, Act 3, Scene 2
William Shakespeare
Like those who glorify military service and war, many people mistakenly believe courtroom battles are all fought above board by honorable lawyers when, in reality, they can often be down and dirty fights between legal Goliaths. I think I still suffer post-traumatic stress disorder from my service as a foot soldier in the Swerling & Harpootlian v. the Honorable Lawrence E. Richter War of the mid-1980’s.
I was drafted late into the war the origins of which remain shrouded in mystery to me but, as I recall, it all started with a Swerling & Harpootlian trial presided over by Judge Richter in Columbia. Apparently, Judge Richter flexed his judicial muscles causing Swerling and Harpootlian to have hurt feelings. They launched the first salvo of the war when a decision by Judge Richter was affirmed by the South Carolina Court of Appeals.
The case on appeal involved the $5,140.00 prize awarded for the largest fish caught during the James Island Yacht Club King Mackerel Fishing Tournament. Ice was discovered in the gullet of the 29-pound Mackertel, the largest by a substantial margin, was disqualified. When the fisherman who caught the frozen fish sued to collect the reward, Judge Ricther flexed his judicial muscles again and tossed the case out of court.
For some inexplicable reason, the Honorable Randall Bell began his appellate court decision addressing the case by quoting the Bard’s dialogue by Trinculo defending his drunk friend Stephano by calling Caliban a “deboshed” fish. A more complete quote of the dialogue is, “Thou liest, most ignorant monster. I am in case to justle a constable. Why, thou deboshed fish, thou, was there ever man a coward that hath drunk so much sack as I today? Wilt thou tell a monstrous lie, being but half a fish and half a monster?” Who knows, perhaps Swerling & Harpootlian’s case before Judge Richter involved to jostling a constable, whatever that means, but it was enough for open hostilities to break out. Swerling and Harpootlian decided to send a copy of Judge Bell’s decision stuffed into the mouth of a fresh caught Mackerel to Judge Richter’s chambers in Charleston.
Oh, the gauntlet was thrown and the battle lines were drawn. This time it was Richter who retaliated. He struck a blow below the belt and had printed flyers distributed to all the winos in Columbia inviting then to enjoy free food and beverages at the Swerling & Harpootlian lavish annual Christmas party. Touche!
It was then that I was drafted into service. I was instructed to have $500.00 of food from a client’s Chinese restaurant delivered to Judge Richter’s chambers at the old Charleston County Courthouse. The old courthouse at the Four Corners of Law was built sometime back in the 1700’s and provided cramped quarters. I didn’t know, as I’m sure you don’t either, how much $500.00 worth of Chinese food could stink up a courthouse. I don’t think Judge Richter ever completely got the smell out of his chambers.
I am thankful Judge Richter never learned I was the Swerling & Harpootlian operative who delivered the coup de grace that ended the war. To my knowledge, Jack Swerling, Dick Harpootlian, and Larry Richter reconciled and remained good friends thereafter, but what of us foot soldiers who carry the emotional scars of their war? No medals, parades, or reparations were offered by either side. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, who stood together in the fight, shall never hold our manhood’s cheap and will have to console ourselves with the knowledge the practice of law doesn’t have to be stodgy and can sometimes be fun and lighthearted.
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