Having problems with motion sickness? Fight back with creative responsive motions of your own. Break the monotony, highlight absurdity, and reclaim the upper hand with levity. Always remember, Judges are human and, if you can get one to laugh, they’re less likely to rule against you.
Motion for a Very Far Away Change of Venue
Useful in responding to opposing counsel’s boring boilerplate discovery requests seeking useless information or when facing trial in a dead loser of a case. Trust me on this, most judges would prefer a Hawaiian vacation than your trial.
The Plaintiff, by his undersigned attorney, respectfully moves before the Presiding Judge for a very far away change of venue, preferably to the Island of Maui. This motion will be based on the grounds this case is dreadfully boring with a zero percent chance of getting any better. Since all parties are doomed to endure the inevitable trial, it would be vastly preferable to endure it someplace pleasurable. The island of Maui is renowned for its beauty, tropical fruit drinks, and relaxing atmosphere.
Motion to Substitute Client
Useful when you discover that, despite the gripping merits of your case, your client lacks any semblance of commendable qualities. That, no matter how hard you try to dress them up, they manage to remain an insurmountable obstacle to a favorable verdict.
The Plaintiff, by his undersigned attorney, respectfully moves before the Presiding Judge to substitute pretty much anybody, preferably a celebrity, for his client to prevent inevitable injustice. Counsel promises the testimony will remain unaltered. This case involves a middle-aged male permanently injured in a motor vehicle collision making George Cloney a perfect substitution.
Motion to Exclude Prejudicial Evidence
Limited motion useful to exclude prejudicial evidence when your case is rock solid except for a few pesky facts proving your client is a lying dirtbag. Rather than wasting time figuring out how to explain away the obvious during trial, move to exclude the offending evidence outright.
The Defendant, by his undersigned attorney, respectfully moves before the Presiding Judge to exclude the smoking gun covered with the Defendant’s fingerprints. The Defendant does not dispute that the smoking gun may have limited relevance to the issue whether the Defendant shot the alleged victim but would show such relevance is far outweighed by the devastating prejudicial effect the admission of the smoking gun would have on the Defendant’s otherwise brilliantly constructed defense.
Motion to Change the Facts
More drastic motion useful when nothing short of a wholesale change of the facts will save your client’s ass. Such drastic relief requires support by the most fundamental sounding principles of constitutional law, hornbook law, and Gilbert’s treatises.
The Petitioner, by his undersigned attorney, respectfully moves before the Presiding Judge for an Order permitting the Petitioner to change the facts in the interest of fundamental due process. Historical traditions traced back to ancient legal societies and Roman law have bestowed upon us the revered adversarial system of justice based upon the belief that two equally skilled advocates battling it out in a courtroom is the surest way to reveal the truth. Putting aside the questionable underpinnings of the adversarial system, it remains bedrock jurisprudence. Unfortunately, the facts in the present case are so one-sided as to be destructive to the balance claimed to be fostered by the system requires drastic judicial action to remedy the fundamental unfairness of forcing counsel to trial on the facts. Attached is an addendum of preferred facts proposed by the Petitioner to rebalance the scales of justice.
Now, let’s be serious, you’re unlikely to prevail on any of these motions but they can easily be saved on your computer and spit out when needed at little to no cost or effort, so what do you have you to lose aside from a possible Rule 11 sanction if the judge or opposing counsel lack a sense of humor.
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