Judge Weston Houck wasn’t a Federal Court judge any normal lawyer would want to fuck around with. His sharp tongue and quick wrath could wither the most hardened of litigators. But Bobby Howe wasn’t a normal lawyer. He probably had no business practicing law in the Federal Court in the first place but was hied by the secretary of the local Longshoreman’s Association accused in a union corruption trial of keeping the books for a scheme to sell Charleston union memberships to out of state wannabe longshoremen. The alleged scheme worked like this: a person couldn’t work on the docks unless they’ were a member of the local ILA union, unless all the local ILA members were already working, then an out of state ILA member could be chosen to work on a gang. New Orleans had more work than union members, so persons with a membership in an out of state union, like the Charleston ILA, could work pretty steady down in Louisiana. All it took was for some high ranking union official in Charleston to sell clandestine union memberships to persons from Louisiana for a hefty sum. The DOJ took a dim view of the practice and decided to indict the union officials in Charleston and New Orleans profiting from the scheme and for good measure charged Bobby’s client, the secretary of the Charleston union, to coerce her cooperation.
In pretrial motions Bobby moved to sever his client from the union officials on dubious ground that it was unfair to try the lowly secretary for doing what her boss told her to do but Judge Houck made short shrift of Bobby’s motion by summarily denting it out of hand. So Bobby found himself fixing to try a Federal Court union corruption case along side hardened DOJ prosecutors and high priced criminal efense lawyers representing the union officials before a crusty Federal Judge.
And so the trial began. The more experienced lawyers busily examined and cross examined the witnesses and made objections, while Bobby bided his time not responding to the vast majority of the testimony and evidence that didn’t didn’t have anything to do with his client. Bobby didn’t know when the trial started but Judge Houck had a habit of asking if there was anything that needed to be brought to the Court’s attention before beginning the trail at the beginning of everyday and after every break. The first time Judge Houck asked if there was any matter that needed to be brought to the Court’s attention, Bobby stood right up and renewed his motion for a severance. Judge Houck turned about 3 shades of red darker and admonished Bobby that his motion for severance had been denied and should neither be raised nor reargued again in his courtroom. The next time the judge asked the same question, Bobby sheepishly said, “I know you already ruled on my motion but there was more testimony this morning that might have changed your mind and, since you asked, I’d like to renew my severance motion for the record.” That’ll be denied the judge intoned gravely with a look on his face that indicated he was wondering if Bobby was intentionally fucking with him. The judge added with an air of finality, your motion for a severance is preserved for the record and doesn’t need to be renewed over and over.
Well, Bobby was, in fact, fucking with the Judge and, sure enough, after the next break, when the judge asked if there was anything that needed to be brought to the Court’s attention, Bobby just raised his hand and the prosecutor and other lawyers shook their heads in disbelief. That’ll be denied the judge barked without Bobby saying a word. But this continued throughout the trial. The judge would ask, Bobby indicate he wanted to renew his motion, the judge would threaten him with all manner of contempt of court, and Bobby would shoot back that the judge should stop asking if there was anything if he didn’t mean it.
Judge Houck struggled to keep from losing his temper and saying something on the record that could get him reversed on appeal. He decided to make a joke out it. He started making and denying Bobby’s motion before Bobby could say anything. He would say, “Is there anything other than Mr. Howe’s motion for a severance which is denied” that needs to be brought to the Court’s attention before we resume testimony.” Bobby would respond with a nonverbal exaggerated shrug with a look of hurt on his face that drew sympathy from everyone in the courtroom except for the Judge.
The trial proceeded and finally got around to the U.S Attorney calling the FBI agent who offered the only testimony against Bobby’s client. He testified he interviewed Bobby’s client at her mother’s home and she confessed to keeping the books for the illegal union membership scheme. Bobby asked if his client had signed a confession. No, she did not. Had he recorded her confession. No, he had not. Did he have any witness who could corroborate this confession. No, he did not adding the defendant’s mother had left the room when she made her incriminating statements. Bobby scratched his head in bewilderment and sat down. The Judge and other lawyers all looked at Bobby like he’d committed courtroom malpractice not going after the FBI agent for not following DOJ and FBI mandated procedures for conducting interrogations. The trial moved on and Bobby remained uncharacteristically quiet.
By the end of the trial it had become exceedingly clear the evidence of the scheme was overwhelming. Try as hard as the lawyers for the union officials could to make it sound like it was nothing more than union members helping their brothers out, the evidence of the significant sums of money that exchanged hands and the efforts to conceal it was simply too much to explain away. In his closing argument, the Assistant United States attorney laid out his evidence methodically until it irrefutably proved the guilt of the defendants. Well, not so much the guilt of Bobby’s client, the evidence supporting her conviction rested solely on the FBI agent’s testimony. The other lawyers made their arguments smooth as silk but just as insubstantial. Then it was Bobby’s turn, Judge Houck stirred on his bench signaling he wasn’t going to take any of Bobby’s shenanigan’s during closing argument right before Bobby stood up to give the best closing argument I ever heard.
Everyone wondered where he was going when he began his argumentn by saying being involved in a Federal Court criminal trial is like riding a roller coaster at the State fair. It’s all fun and games, laughter and bravado standing in line waiting to get on the ride. It continues all fun and games right up until you climb into the car and they strap you in he said as he changed his body position, like he was sitting down. Then he cocked his head back, and began visually climbing up the first incline of the roller coaster. Up, up, and up he said glancing at his clenched fists, as your knuckles whiten grasping the bar, right up to the top where, he suddenly cocked himself forward, looking terrified as if staring down the precipitous drop off on first crest of the coaster the other side before Bobby began violently rocking side to side, back and forth as if careening at break neck speeds around all manner of twists and turns on the roller coaster. Then he suddenly stopped, straightened up, and turned back to the jury and seamlessly transitioned by saying, in all sincerity, riding a roller coaster at the fair isn’t fun, its S C A R R Y. Just like being tried for a crime in Federal Court and facing the prospect of losing your freedom for doing what your boss told you to do. The jurors all of whom had probably ridden roller coasters and knew exactly what Bobby was talking about, were riveted by his narrative.
Bobby paused, seeming to collect his thoughts and the juror’s attention, before continuing. in a shaking voice, I don’t know about you, but if the F……………, B…………, I………….. calls me saying they want to talk to me about committing a crime, I’m gonna call my MOMMA. I noticed a couple of jurors nodding their heads in agreement. Picture this he said to the jury. like they were now all friends, everybody, my client, her mother, and the FBI agent, are all sitting around the formica table in Momma’s kitchen. He put his hands on the rail of the jury box and leaned in so he could talk in a lower voice. The jury all leaned in too as if around momma’s table to hear better, and he said in a quiet voice, they’re talking about this and that, nothing incriminating, until, just when the FBI agent is getting around to asking my client about her role in the alleged crime, this F B I agent testifies UNDER OATH Momma gets up and leaves the room. Dead silence. With a stunned look on his face, Bobby raised his hands off the rail and slowly, ever so slowly, turned around until he and every one of the jurors behind him was staring directly at the hapless FBI agent sitting on the front row of the courtroom. And Bobby bellowed out, “MOMMA, WHERE YOU GOING?“
And that was it. He sat down. He didn’t have to say anything else. He let the jury say it for him and it wasn’t a surprise to anyone in the courtroom when the jury returned verdicts of guilty as to the union officials and not guilty as to Bobby’s client.
Bobby wisely thought it best to beat a hasty retreat from the U.S. Courthouse but, before he could make it out the door, the U.S. Marshalls were waiting to escort him back up to Judge Houck’s chambers. They led him in and left him standing helplessly in front of the judge’s desk while the judge seemingly attended to administrative matters. Bobby waited for for the Judge to say something, anything. After letting Bobby sweat it out for what seemed like forever, before Judge Houck looked up from his chair, over the rims of his half framed glasses and, for the first time with a smile on his face, said, well, Mr. Howe, I been reconsidering granting that motion for a severance of yours.”
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